Kids are great – to most people, usually. But more and more couples are choosing a child-free life, and they want a child-free wedding along with that life. On the other hand, there are tons of people who love kids who still don’t want to invite them to their wedding. Kids can be a logistical nightmare -- for parents and for the wedding planner. Babies require diaper bags, picky kids need their own food, and most will be tired long before the night is over. It’s also very difficult for kids to understand the significance of a wedding: including why they need to be quiet and pay attention. Wedding ceremonies simply aren’t as fun for kids. Being a parent with a child at a reception isn’t always so fun either. While it’s great to see kids dressed up and looking cute and playing with other kids, parents are still responsible for making sure nothing goes wrong – no one wants their child to accidentally hurt another or break something or run off or start screaming during the toasts.
Reasons to have a child-free wedding
There are an abundance of reasons to invite kids to your wedding. They look adorable all dressed up, they're part of your family and you love them, and it's important to include children (especially as they get older) in "adult" events so they learn the significance of these events. But there are also plenty of reasons why you might not want to invite kids.
There are an abundance of reasons to invite kids to your wedding. They look adorable all dressed up, they're part of your family and you love them, and it's important to include children (especially as they get older) in "adult" events so they learn the significance of these events. But there are also plenty of reasons why you might not want to invite kids.
· You simply invited too many people – before you counted the kids. If your guest list is too big already, you may have to ask guests to not bring their kids, because there just isn’t room for them, and it’s more important for you to have the adults who are special to you there to help you celebrate.
· Your venue is small. You may have to cut your guest list down significantly to fit into your space. You have to decide who is more important: adults who will appreciate and remember your wedding, or kids who definitely won’t remember it and may even cause problems.
· You just don’t like kids. That’s perfectly fine. You don’t have to like them, and you don’t have to invite them.
· You want a night with your adult friends and you want everyone to be able to enjoy the party without distractions. And there’s no way to be distraction-free if a child is there. Kids just need more attention than adults do, and if you don’t want to sacrifice your time with family and friends to their children, you don’t have to.
Source: Children at Wedding, Baby at Wedding
How to tell your guests
Informing your guests your wedding will be child-free is tricky. You’ll need to be kind and firm, and make it clear what you will and will not make exceptions for.
· Tell them as soon as you’ve decided, if possible. The sooner guests know they won’t be able to bring their kids, the sooner they can make the appropriate plans.
· Offer to help with childcare. If a guest is traveling for your wedding, recommend a daycare or a nanny in your area.
· If only a few of your guests have children, it’s better to reach out to them personally so you can explain how much you love their kids and exactly why they’re not invited.
· If most of your guest list is parents, you’ll probably want a more generic, time-saving message. Add a card or note to the Save the Date or send a letter or email explaining you’re only inviting guests over a specific age, you appreciate their understanding, and tell them to let you know if they will need any help figuring out childcare.
· Be prepared to make an exception for mothers who are nursing – they may not be able to be apart from their baby long enough to attend your wedding. If you’re inviting a brand-new mother, talk to her directly about the options. You’ll also need to be prepared for upset parents: “she brought her kid, why couldn’t I bring mine?” A simple, direct answer should be enough: “she’s nursing. This is the only way she could attend.”
· Discuss with your fiancé when you can bend the rules. A babysitter might cancel at the last minute – would you rather have the kids added at the last minute or the parents bail at the last minute?
· Consider the theme and timing of your wedding. Are you having a late-night reception at a bar? Definitely not a scene for children. But a Saturday afternoon backyard BBQ? You’ll need a good explanation for why kids aren’t invited. This doesn’t mean you have to change your theme if you don’t want to invite kids, just that parents will be more understanding if it’s not a kid-friendly venue.
How to react to a child-free wedding invitation
For the happy parents who received an invitation to an “adults only, please” wedding, don’t panic. If you are truly unable to leave your kids for that long, the bride and groom will understand. They may make an exception for you. But you do not have the right to pressure them into changing their minds, nor do you have the right to ignore their request and bring your kids along anyway. Remember this is their wedding, not yours.
· Don’t be upset. The bride and groom are not targeting you because they hate your kids.
· If there is absolutely no way to attend the wedding without your kids in tow, ask the bride and groom if they will make an exception. Be kind, and don’t be surprised if they say no.
· If you’re close to the other wedding guests, try to set up joint childcare for everyone (if the bride and groom aren’t providing any). If all the kids are in a group together, they’ll be happier than if they were left with just the babysitter.
· Maybe your kids are perfect angels who never do anything wrong and maybe they’re not. It doesn’t matter, because kids are unpredictable. Especially if they’ve never been to a wedding before, you don’t know how they will behave. They might cower out of nervousness because of all the new people or they might act completely out of character because they have a whole new audience. You just don’t know what kids will do, and that kind of uncertainty is not conducive to a relaxing, carefree wedding. Accept that the bride and groom want to enjoy this day as completely as they can, and kids are more likely to inhibit that enjoyment than they are to encourage it.
What to do if a guest protests your child-free request
Be prepared for parents to decline the invitation. It’s just not feasible for some parents to leave their kids, particularly if they have to travel. Tell them you’re sorry they can’t make it, but you understand why, and you appreciate them respecting your wishes. Other guests may not be able to comprehend why you don’t want kids at your wedding. They may take the protests a little far. Gently explain why you aren’t inviting children. You can say things like “we know some children are very well-behaved, but it’s not fair to only invite the well-behaved kids” or “weddings aren’t as fun for kids as they are for adults.” Maybe you’re having a black-tie affair and kids just don’t fit that picture – no one can argue that point. Maybe you’re serving steak and seafood and most kids won’t eat that, and the ones who do can’t appreciate it fully. If the guest doesn’t understand even after you pepper them with reasons, gently remind them they don’t have to attend. It may be difficult, and it may cause a temporary wedge in your relationship with them, but the bottom line is it is your wedding and you deserve to have a memorable, enjoyable day. Your guests didn’t consult you about their wedding decisions, and you don’t have to listen to their suggestions about yours.
If you choose to have a child-free wedding, remember:
· You are not selfish by asking to have a child-free wedding.
· You put so much effort into planning your wedding and reception, and sometimes things just don’t fit. You wanted a barbershop quartet but settled for a DJ. Your fiancé wanted fireworks, you wanted doves, and you settled for balloons. There are tons of compromises while planning a wedding, and children at the event is one of them.
If you were invited to a childfree wedding, don't be offended
· The bride and groom are not excluding your children specifically.
· This day is about the bride and groom. Maybe they live a childfree life and want that reflected in their wedding, or maybe they just want to have a night full of drinking and dancing and not worrying about when bedtime is for a third of the guests.
· You may think the bride and groom are being selfish. They've been planning this day for a long time, and have likely put a lot of thought into their decision to make their wedding child-free. Maybe the venue isn't large enough, or it's not the right atmosphere for children, or maybe they had to cut down on costs somewhere. This doesn't mean they are being selfish.
· Don’t you miss, at least a little bit, the nights you had with just your significant other? Wouldn’t you love to have another carefree night, particularly one that may have an open bar? It’s okay to take some time for yourselves. Relax, enjoy a little quality time with your significant other! Your kids can have fun at home -- no dressing up and sitting quietly required.
An alternative to a completely child-free wedding
Offer a “daycare” room for both the wedding and the reception. Hire caregivers you trust to babysit so parents don’t feel as if their children are being excluded, and they don’t have to hire their own babysitter. One fear for parents (especially new parents) is what might happen while they’re away from their children. Having childcare at the same location reduces that fear, and the parents will be more relaxed and better able to enjoy the festivities. If you’re okay with children being at the reception as long as they’re occupied, hiring a caregiver or even a teacher and setting up a “kid’s area,” maybe set off by a curtain, is another good alternative. Kids will be even more present, but if they aren’t interested in the wedding festivities, they don’t have to sit at a table, bored.
A wedding is one of the most significant days in a couple’s lives. Parents may be used to their kids’ outbursts, but the bride and groom are not, and they want to be able to focus on each other, without distractions. No one will be able to plan a wedding that will be perfect for every single guest. That’s not the point. Because you care about your guests, of course you’ll want them all to be happy and have a good time at your wedding, but at the end of the day, it’s your wedding, and your day, and it’s your decision about whether the reception is inside or outside, what time it starts, whether there will be a DJ or a live band – and whether or not kids are welcome. Don’t feel bad if you upset someone; it’s their choice if they attend or not, and if they can’t accept and support your decisions, they might not be the type of person you want at your wedding anyway.
Chime in below – what do you think about child-free weddings?
Elizabeth graduated from The University of Findlay with a Master of Arts in Rhetoric and Writing. She now resides in Portland, Oregon where she is employed in the real estate business and is particularly enjoying the local cuisine. As a writer, Elizabeth believes in a quote from one of her favorite TV shows: "We have only two jobs on this Earth. The first: to learn. The second: to cope." A deep desire to learn struck Elizabeth when she was young, and now she hopes to help you cope by sharing information, and helping you apply the knowledge. Weddings and event planning can be overwhelming; sometimes it's okay to take a little advice from a stranger on the internet.
